Dean Whitbread 2020
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At a global conference, leading monkeys in Morocco have expressed anxiety over a range of “immoral” human behaviours, such as driving cars short distances instead of walking, throwing fifty per cent of food away, consuming billions of power-hungry gadgets without regard to their overall energy usage.
“The imminent mass extinctions of fish species are causing us almost unbearable nightmares,” said Professor Ookychok Eeekmeek, who in the past has called for humans to be expelled from earth. “Humans think we just eat fruit and bananas, but we’re omnivores just like they are. How are we going to get sardines for our children if there are none left anywhere? We don’t even have the benefit of spoken language, let alone cash.”
The conference also covered child slavery, the use of rape as a weapon, the harvesting of internal organs from political prisoners, the World Bank, the arms trade, industrial pollution, habitat loss, and humanity’s insistence on being patronising to all other species, in particular their close cousins, monkeys and higher apes.
“People are shit,” said Barbara Macaque from Algeria, “and it’s about time they accepted that fact and cut us some slack.”