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Dean Whitbread 2013

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Written on December 5, 2005, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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I have some experience in web commerce. Almost a year ago, I put up the Blog of Funk shop at Café Press. Here in my carefully put together product range, you can buy the You Mug $12.99, the NICE NICE NICE AND STILL FUNKY T-Shirt $14.99, the Tosser shorts $99.99, and the Funky Tart’s Wank top, $15.99. For these frankly immodest prices, you can deck yourself with the fantastic Deek Deekster logo – you know, that little shouty guy with the orange-and-white striped vest on who hangs around my internet profiles.

I admit that I have not exactly promoted this site, but after twelve months I have made precisely zilch. This may have something to do with the fact that the prices are inflated beyond the attractive, or it may be that everyone knows Café Press is basically overpriced vanity gear for people who write blogs at the weekend. Ahem.

With this in mind, I spent some time and money over the last few days, developing my new brand. I have been hunting for new products, something timely, something funky, something fun, that, within only a few short weeks, should start to turn a profit.

Now for those of you despairing that I am abandoning writing the every day story of the smell of sex (which regular readers will know actually means every day I can find time to write which actually averages at around 5 days / 2,000 words a week) – fear not. For if you look back to February (links to the right) you will remember that I was similarly engaged with Love, and that this provided me with plenty word fuel, enough to wax as lyrical as a church candle. Plus, I have been very serious during some of these months – especially last month – and so I feel it is my social duty to lighten the tone a tad as we in the Great Soon-To-Be-Frozen-And-Uninhabitable North enter the final three weeks of the solar year.

Looking carefully at Blog of Funk’s logs, I noticed that I get lots of people arriving at pages I have written containing certain key words and phrases. For example, the word “chav”. I wrote a piece called “Hanging Chav” in October last year, and many people looking for the origin of the word have ended up here. It occured to me that this was a precious marketing opportunity and that I should therefore initiate a chav product range.

I promptly registered “i-chav.com” and “i-chav.co.uk” and “ichav.co.uk”. ICHAV.COM was gone and for sale. I thought about it for a couple of days, and I made them an not-too-high offer which I am happy they accepted. Therefore I am now the proud owner of the iCHAV Brand (still working on the logo) and you, dear reader, are with me on the road to Fortune, and who knows, maybe even its bastard twin sister, Fame.

My first activity has meant a cash outlay. Still, you got to spend before you spit, as nobody says but me, speculate before you expectorate.

Day Two: Balance = -£75.00

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One Comment

  1. Indigobusiness
    Posted 6 December, 2005 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    What, no possum fur nipple warmers? Ebay is fresh out.

    And what would I ever do with a wank tshirt?

    Come on man, I’m dying to spit.

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