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Dean Whitbread 2013

Dean Whitbread 2020

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Written on May 16, 2006, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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Everyone loves Kylie. We were gutted when we heard about her battle with the big “C”. Personally I’ve always had a decent regard for her after she threw off her years of Neighbours, came to the Land of Poms and delighted us with her squeaky throw-away pop nonsense.

But mythic Kylie isn’t appreciated by academics, bards, or heavyweight literati. She doesn’t appear in “quality” papers too much. I’ve never seen Will Self read a self-penned ode to her, nor heard a serious critique of her broad appeal, except by hyperbole-driven gay men on ecstasy.

I met Kylie once, at a muso bash. She has a lovely, diminutive frame, she was polite, warm, and clean, and she smelt of soap. Kylie seemed to me a modern Doris Day – fresh and innocent, yet naturally sexy. Her behind is everything you think it is – pert and perfect, and a suitable finish to very nice legs.

What people don’t realise, not academics, not bards, not besotted gay men, not loyal female fans, is that she has been touched by the magic frond of the otherworld, the Dreamtime. It happened one day on the set of Neighbours – one of the crew who was half-aboriginal saw her briefly undressed, and the posterior perfection implanted itself in his limbic consciousness and grew like a root. He was the grandson of a magic man; his fascination led him to spontaneous spell-weaving, which he did almost without knowing he was doing it, moving the camera in a certain dance, using the lights, the makeup, the script, even the theme music, as his deep magic took on a subtle inevitability. Since then, Kylie’s Magic Bum has appeared to many people, saving them from grievous harm, on numerous occasions.

Once upon a time, when I was riding my bicycle very fast down a steep hill I didn’t know too well, I came to a sudden turn, miscalculated, and hit a rut. In a split second I was hurtling through the air, over a rickety fence, and falling headlong down a steep slope.. as I flew, time seemed to slow, and I realised that I was in mortal danger.

Below me I could see rocks and spiky gorse, and a sheer drop onto serious looking pine trees. I began to see my life flash before me in a totally cliched way. “This is a fucking cliche!” I thought. “What a way to go!” Just as I started to give up, I heard a sound in the whoosh of wind… the sound of a distant hit.. the sound of “Na Na Na, Na Na Na Naa Naa, Na Na Na, Na Na Na Naa Naa…” and as the hard rocky ground hurtled towards me, twin shapes, soft, yet firm, giving, yet strong appeared, as if by magic, so that instead of snapping my neck and caving in my unprotected skull, the impact of face on rock was cushioned, and the immense kinetic energy of the free-fall was absorbed.

I rolled over and lay still, breathing hard, my heart thumping in my chest, only the most minor of scratches upon my bare arms, and a bruised knee to show for my surely fatal accident. I could not believe I was still alive after falling over 100 metres having left my bicycle at 40 kph.

I rose and looked about me. I could no longer see the twin shapes that had broken my fall; but in my mouth was the distinct coppery taste of Coopers lager; and in the rustle of the pine around me, I heard a diminishing refrain: “Na Na Na, Na Na Na Naa Naa, Na Na Na, Na Na Na Naa Naa…”

There are many more stories of how Kylie’s Magic Bum has appeared to people in moments of need – this is but one of them.

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This thing has 4 Comments

  1. Conrad Slater
    Posted 16 May, 2006 at 9:25 am | Permalink

    You should check out Paul Morley’s book “Word’s and Music” about from being just about modern music he bangs on about Kylie for ages; insisting that she is some sort of pop culture ambassador for the 20th century.

  2. Indigobusiness
    Posted 16 May, 2006 at 8:32 pm | Permalink

    I’m in need.

  3. dave bones
    Posted 21 May, 2006 at 5:50 am | Permalink

    Kylies butt appeared in fron of you???? Thats magic.

  4. dave bones
    Posted 21 May, 2006 at 6:11 am | Permalink

    ps- (a little later) I just reposted a link to this and as I posted it I heard a little bell- ding! like tinkerbell. Is it Kylies magic butt?

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