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Written on August 23, 2009, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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I am not middle-aged, nor in a mid-life crisis of any kind, and neither am I in any kind of second childhood. Neither am I in denial about any of these things. Nonetheless, the desire to play and explore has never been greater. I have been training to ride 600cc motorbikes and I’m hoping to buy one soon. Cue remarks which lead to explanation given line one.

It would seem that the Australians have come to the sensible decision to do away with old-style European descriptions of the seasons, which have a lot less bearing on the actual annual changes experienced in the southern hemisphere, and to come up with some new names ( “sprinter” , “sprummer” ) which more closely describes their specific climatic conditions. So, I should follow their example and announce that I am changing my definition of where I am in the seasonal progression of my life, so as to better describe the actual conditions which I encounter.

So, I’m no longer a young man, though I’m far less middle-aged than most people two years from fifty. I’m physically fitter than I was five years ago, though my joints ache more when I don’t exercise. I’m more sane than I was at any time in my life, although my more unlikely ambitions I am prepared to put much more time into. I’m materially comfortable, yet preparing for my pattern of earnings to radically change as my lifestyle changes. I have rejected false notions and the chimeras of success in a field of work which invented itself around me as I helped to invent it.

I quite like my new beard, grown spontaneously one month ago, the same week my father fell ill and died. When I arrived in hospital, and saw him so desperately smitten, the first thing I noticed as I adjusted to the fact of his imminent departure was his beard. My new adventure in facial hair is a shape I had previously not adopted, and remarkably like Brian’s beard.

I quite like the fact that the white in the beard proclaims my age, while it hides my baby-smooth skin.

I was already most of the way through processing inner changes, and matching the outside circumstances of my life to my improved aims and refreshed perceptions when my father Brian died. I was very glad that I had the chance to share my plans with Brian before his sudden passing. Soon I will move to Sussex, but before then, I have some work to do in my flat.

I’m really looking forward to Tom Sparks arriving tomorrow.

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This thing has 2 Comments

  1. lauriea776
    Posted 25 August, 2009 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    Hellllllllllooooooooooo!!! Love the gray. 🙂

  2. KateFord
    Posted 26 November, 2009 at 9:07 am | Permalink

    I am terribly sorry to learn about your Father. It's nice that you were able to spend time with him. I hope that he got to see the person you have become. All the parts of you that have come together over the years have made you the person you are have made the journey worthwhile.

    You are unique. I like everything that is *you*.

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