No really, I do. Fascists are taking over the world and we’re all doomed to starve, trapped inside a polluted, depleted ecosphere, but I do feel absolutely fine. Nothing can shake my fabulously good mood, because I know how to handle the situation:
Go with the flow
The flow is towards the sea, and so upon my small boat, I am carried down towards that great inevitable ocean, containing all things. The flow is to the peaks, and so upon my miraculous hang-glider, warm air currents float me upwards until I rest upon the smooth, breast-like surface of the welcoming mountain top, from where I may view the entire visible universe. Oh yes, the forces are no stranger to me, and I shall not resist them.
But I can do better than that. Witnessing the oncoming rise of the right in Britain, in this newly conservative world I now inhabit I’ve decided to anticipate this more punitive, curmudgeonly, old-fashioned, archaic, and fundamentally anti-celebratory culture by initiating a new regime of financial penalties for activities that are deemed to be herewith unacceptable.
As from today, there shall be non-appealable, mandatory, on-the-spot fines for:
- Public Nose-Picking – this habit is revolting, and people simply seem to have developed a complete lack of respect for public decency;
- The Playing of Loud Popular Music on Mobile Phones – opera will of course be exempt;
- The Wearing of Informal Clothing – outside of working class areas, and in all shopping centres and places of public assembly;
- The Making, Watching or Participating in So-Called “Reality” Television Shows – these set an entirely bad example to our young people and so will be replaced by coverage of Ascot, Badminton and other pre-eminent equestrian events;
- Frog Hunting – this torrid stain on
our nationFrance must be stamped out! - Sirens – police, ambulance, fire – all banned, to be replaced with the music of string quartets
