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Written on January 1, 2008, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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Welcome 2008, aka ZOOB, which as my arab-speaking girlfriend points out means penis or more accurately knob or dick, the word being a shortening from ZUBOR, and used to make jokes and insult people in much the same way.

In ZOOB have some ideas for sale, which I am going to put on Ebay, since it occurred to me that I give away too much of my intellectual fruit, and I should start to create some tasty IP preserve and sell it in jars to passing motorists with a price tag attached reflecting the scarcity of such original thought. I can’t remember how many people caught on to the unsocial nature of social media since I first wrote about it, and I have an inbox full of Google alerts drawing my attention to the passing of Facebook fashion since I wrote about that back in November 2007.

Still, mine is not to whinge, it is to delight. And so I bring you a list of new year’s resolutions which you might find useful if your own are all unoriginal, boring and uninspiring, and unlikely to find favour at the water cooler the day after tomorrow.

  • Read the second chapter of one thousand books. I call this “random knowledge acquisition” and it’s great for dinner parties, job interviews, staffroom small talk.
  • Learn a prayer in every major language of the world (you can dress this up a bit – a “prayer for peace”, a “prayer for global cooling”, a “prayer for Paris Hilton”). This combination of faith and learning will impress even the cynical, and the secular will not dare to question it.
  • Give up smoking – and take up steaming, which is a far better way to prepare food than either smoking or boiling, retaining as it does the essential nutrients in far greater quantities.
  • Exercise mind and body simultaneously and establish a regime to achieve a sublime level of internal/external fitness. So, perform mental arithmetic whilst playing tennis, sing on the toilet, recite poetry whilst making love, or if you’re English, play cricket.
  • Walk out of every bad film you find yourself watching. This should be taken as an absolute, meaning, cinemas, your own living room, your partner’s parent’s house – anywhere. Leave. Each time you stay, that’s two hours of your life poured into the waiting grave.
  • Avoid hearing / watching / reading NEWS (so-called) as often as possible. Treat rolling news in particular as a banned drug to be totally shunned. You know how when you come back from a holiday where there’s been no access to news, refreshed and clear-headed, and ask what happened while you were away? It usually takes one minute to be brought up to date. Remember that.
  • Give something of yours for free to someone that really needs it, once every week of the year, and that means fifty two times in 2008. Your time, your cash, your body – you choose. But give, and don’t think of receiving. Just once a week. Go on. Yes, I am serious. So much so, that I’m giving you this list for free. Because I can, and because you need it.

So, glorious readers, make sure you have a bloody good ZOOB, and remember that since this is the year of the dick, it’s up to us to make it hard, and keep it that way.

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This thing has 3 Comments

  1. La Sirena
    Posted 2 January, 2008 at 2:32 am | Permalink

    The Year of the Dick — wonderful!!! I’ve alrady resolved to something along the lines of your 3 &4 — but now I’m adding your number 7. Thanks!

    And here’s one of mine for you — Romance Challenge 2008. Write 5 pages of a romance novel every month — not porn/erotica, not a satire of a romance — and share it with friends. Have a conversation. More talk, more emotion and less cynicism.

    Happy Dicks all around!


  2. Indigobusiness
    Posted 2 January, 2008 at 3:28 pm | Permalink

    Ain’t touching this.

  3. Mike O'Hara
    Posted 7 January, 2008 at 5:02 pm | Permalink

    Best set of New Year Resolutions I’ve ever seen. Ever. Bar none.

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