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Dean Whitbread 2013

Dean Whitbread 2020

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Written on August 22, 2007, and categorized as Living, Secret and Invisible.
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After a break of years, I’ve returned to the practice of meditation, and it’s having some direct results on my sense of myself, my well being, and my dreams.

In the days, I am calmer. My body and mind feel definitely more aligned. Small aches and pains, both psychological and physical, are diminished, and I am able to address difficulties with greater application. However my dreams are full of holes, like a fucking cosmic colander, and I am suddenly cast in a series of short, scary films starring various aspects of myself, in scenarios including: murder, threat, hiding, being starved of oxygen, and sophisticated theft using explosives as part of a team.

Each dream presents me with conundrums which survive into waking life; it is as though my morals were being paraded before me, my self-knowledge ruthlessly exposed via convincing but trite narratives, each casting a subtly different light on the chaos within me, hidden under several layers of carefully organised intellect, which which the honest inventory I am wont to make is now revealing.

Sometimes, after meditation, as after wakening, I am left with a key phrase or vision which follows me into the day, and today’s post-meditation phrase is the title of this post. My knowledge of myself will not save me from having to experience these dream scenarios; indeed I believe that there are reasons, probably related to my deeper health, which are causing this current spate of night dramas. Superficially, it’s the move. Moving is third in stress terms, so they say, after berievement and divorce.

Beneath that, it’s the fact that I have noticed unavoidable truths about myself, my life, my direction, my position, and the meditation process is a magnifying glass. Since I hate sleeping pills, and my gorgeous girlfriend doesn’t mind me waking her up if I need to relate something in order to externalise it, then I’ll bear with it for now, and presume that this, too, will pass.

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This thing has 3 Comments

  1. Len
    Posted 23 August, 2007 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    This is the best little piece on meditation that I’ve read in a long time. It inspires me to resume my morning zazen habit, which I’ve let drop the past couple of weeks. For a while I was holding to the practice of not touching the keys of my Mac before a half hour of sitting and a brisk walk. But if I’d done that today, I would have missed your kind Tweet and the finding of your articulate blog. So any practice works, as long as I’m really in it. Thanks for inspiring me to return to some daily silence!ld

  2. twit
    Posted 24 August, 2007 at 8:21 pm | Permalink

    Too much to say about meditation, so for now I just wanna say -> great post-title/post-meditation-phrase.

    Nothing will save us..
    (& I don’t say that lightly).

  3. China Blue
    Posted 26 August, 2007 at 2:19 pm | Permalink

    Yes, this is a really thoughtful post about meditation. I’m also inspired to restart and make a real go of the practice. As for the title of the post… there’s a few people who need to know this. It’s true.

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