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Written on January 20, 2007, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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Inundated by a torrent of the usual spam emails about penis enlargement “I don’t care why your one-eyed monster is so small, but 77% of women do. They are pretty sure that bigger ramrod will make their desire stronger. You have the chance to change your life” this week, and watching the Big Brother antics, I thought a lot about eastern v western values, differences in behavioural expectation, bullying, culture clash, and how happy Shilpa’s accountant would ultimately be.

What if he adopted western values and became depressed as result?

This song was born.

Enjoy.

At the very end of a picturesque jetty
I met the accountant of Shilpa Shetty
Beautiful boats bobbed up and down on the briny
As he said, “I’m minted but my knob is tiny
What use are all of my Bollywood dollars?
When I drop my pants, my girlfriend she hollers
‘Call yourself a man?’ – well, I may be loaded
But my wee John Thomas is defunct and outmoded…”

Now the sky was blue and the sun shone down
But Shilpa’s bean-counter had a frown on his brown
Face – he turned to me and said “What does all this matter?
if I can’t make my schlong bigger and fatter
It doesn’t help that I have cash in the bank
Have I got my parents to thank? Is this God’s idea of a prank?
If I could see a way out, you know I’d take it, no doubt!”
And with that he sat down and stuck his bottom lip out.

The gentlest breeze made the smallest of waves
And the boats on their ropes were so well-behaved
But in that fabulous place I caught the look on his face:
It was the look of a loser in this human race.

“The Kama Sutra,” said I, “is the book you must read
For it teaches that we all can find the love we need
And far from being a slave to proportion
Treading the line between extortion and caution
First find a woman who cares for your soul
A woman who will rock when you care to roll
A woman with the match for your totem pole
Her body blessed by nature with the perfect hole
And remember: only spirit makes us truly rich
And your money ain’t worth nothing if you spend it on that bit
So find the right girl who is tender and true
Who loves you, and who’s exactly the right size for you.”

At the very end of the picturesque jetty
I smiled at the accountant of Shilpa Shetty
Beautiful boats bobbed up and down on the waves
As the accountant thought of all the money he’d save
On drugs and pills and surgeons’ bills
On psychiatrics and sexual gymnastics
On making his manhood bigger just to feel good
Guess he misunderstood…

You gotta look for a woman who cares for your soul, cares for your soul
Look for a woman who cares for your soul – with the right size hole…
(repeat to end)

© 2007

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This thing has 4 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    Posted 21 January, 2007 at 8:56 pm | Permalink

    Absolutely inspired!
    *applauds*

  2. twit
    Posted 21 January, 2007 at 10:30 pm | Permalink

    Cute (in a good way).

    ~

    God bless Jade.

    Give her a break, people.

    She is your child.

  3. Indigobusiness
    Posted 24 January, 2007 at 4:25 am | Permalink

    You’ve given me an earworm.

  4. Lagowski
    Posted 27 January, 2007 at 6:44 pm | Permalink

    I like these moments when you turn into a fruitbat the best.

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