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Written on August 3, 2006, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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I sit behind protective layers.

The small inner-city apartment where I live is safely above street level, four floors up, the entrance tucked away from the main road, protected by an entryphone system and large industrial-strength steel and glass doors. Above me, a plaster ceiling, a slate tile roof. To my left, a wooden front door, to my right, glass window. Behind and in front, brick walls. Below me, wool carpet, vinyl, concrete floor. Around my body, cotton, leather.

This morning, half-awake, on a lazy public holiday morning, I laughed long and loud at the inadvertent comic brilliance of the enterprising Romanian who composed the following:

Britain pays for queen’s sex!

The Expenses of British Queen Elizabeth II for the last year increased from 34, 9 billion pound sterling till 77, 3 billions. It is double more in contrast with past year.

Perhaps, the most outrageous item of the expenses considers so-called “escort services”, simply sexual amusements of the queen.

“Every British citizen will pay for my sex” – this sensational news has been said some hours before.

Directly to this news


Dear old Queen Liz, a sexual leech. Is this your revenge on the tabloids?

On my lap, my iBook. I use Eudora and this excellent application’s built-in spam filter sends most junk email straight into my junk folder. Before it even gets to my Mac, SpamAssassin 2.63 determines its value on the server and flags up likely spam.

From: “BBC News” resgskerg@sundodgers.com
To: “xxxxxxxxxxx” < xxxxxxxxxxx >
Subject: Britain pays for queen’s sex!
Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 11:21:52 +0000
X-Originating-IP: 58.195.172.180
X-Spam-Flag: YES
X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on xxxxxxxxxxx
X-Spam-Level: *****
X-Spam-Status: Yes, hits=5.9 required=5.0 tests=DATE_IN_FUTURE_03_06,
HTML_20_30,HTML_MESSAGE,MIME_HTML_ONLY,RAZOR2_CF_RANGE_51_100,
RAZOR2_CHECK,TO_ADDRESS_EQ_REAL autolearn=no version=2.63
X-Spam-Report:
* 0.0 TO_ADDRESS_EQ_REAL To: repeats address as real name
* 0.0 HTML_MESSAGE BODY: HTML included in message
* 0.5 HTML_20_30 BODY: Message is 20% to 30% HTML
* 1.6 RAZOR2_CF_RANGE_51_100 BODY: Razor2 gives confidence between 51 and 100
* [cf: 100]
* 0.1 MIME_HTML_ONLY BODY: Message only has text/html MIME parts
* 0.9 RAZOR2_CHECK Listed in Razor2 (http://razor.sf.net/)
* 2.8 DATE_IN_FUTURE_03_06 Date: is 3 to 6 hours after Received: date


I would improve SpamAssassin by adding this single line:

* 2.9 ENTERTAIN_CHECK Listed in FunSpam (http://funspam.net/)

Spammers cloak their identity, of course, for nefarious, sometimes criminal, reasons. Many more of us bloggers choose the anonymity of a nom-de-plume, for reasons of safety, to prevent job loss, out of genuine shyness, to defy closer inspection, a badge to fend off the mundane. A pen-name can set you free to be the person inside, if that person requires release, or it can be a signifier of aspects of yourself. RuKsaK explains his blog name, for example, as an amalgam of the places he has lived.

Two of my favourite artists, one literary, the other visual and conceptual, both had alternative names – Flann O’Brien (right) the Irishman who wrote The Third Policeman, also published under Myles na Gopaleen (Myles of the Small Horses) and Marcel Duchamp (left), the Frenchman who reinvented art used Rose S√©lavy as his female counterpart.

The inventive capacity of the human mind in the mistaken belief of its own inevitable victory never ceases to amaze me. The fact that spam now represents as much as 80% of all email says something marvellously scary about human endeavour and lack of judgement. It is somehow analagous to the way that even though we know that the Amazonian rainforest is being destroyed before our very eyes – almost a fifth has now been cleared (read: wiped off the face of the earth never to return) – we type Amazon into a web browser to buy books made of paper.

If we could harness the combined intelligence of spammers, we surely could resist this awful death by drowning that we experience. We might choose to make a religious response to the awful loss, fall on our grateful knees in thanks, and start to love our abusers, desiring to embrace them, cherishing this degradation.

Sometimes, layers of protection must be discarded for us to be happily naked, exposed to the real world, feeling the warm rays of the UV-rich sun on our bodies in blissful disregard of social formula. What can we do, when almost everything is waste and discard, except like Kurt, take the scraps and try to turn them into something wonderful and extraordinary, something we can be proud of and allowed to love.

Now I am going to come clean now about an aspect of my blogging. SURE DOING in SURROUNDED I AM. I sit protected behind an alter-ego, who is called Ribbonfish Hazelwood.

My small, unimportant addition to this marvellous artistic convention is fired by words that are discarded, found in junk email. In the name of Ribbonfish, I dedicate it Rose, to Myles, and most of all, to Kurt Schwitters. It is my wartime house of electronic bus tickets.

First Published 30th May 2005

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  1. Posted 30 April, 2009 at 9:26 am | Permalink

    […] As previously covered four years ago Queen Elizabeth 2, German monarch of England, has once again been up to her nuptial tricks, this time cleverly blaming her high-octane, expensive sexual antics on a “respectable couple with respectable jobs” who for some unknown reason found themselves making love on Her Majesty’s lawns at Windsor. […]

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