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Written on December 14, 2004, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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Attention Subjects of Her Majesty’s American Protectorate: Here follows the First Addendum to the Revocation of US Independence.

  • Fast Food
  • Fast Food will henceforth be outlawed. Standing queues in Burger King, McDonalds etc will be replaced by work-out lines and maintained for a period of 45 minutes in order to use up excess calories, and to allow the fat to congeal outside the body prior to consumption. Pizza Deliveries will be made on foot, by the person ordering. Drive-in and Drive-through* “restaurants” will become Jog-in and Jog-through*, and “In” and “Through” will be replaced by “Around”. Obesity will soon become a thing of the past and athletes will cease to self-administer performance-enhancing drugs as they won’t need them. This tough but necessary measure to begin immediately.

  • Profanity
  • It has come to our notice that our American subjects are labouring* under some misapprehensions regarding the language we have given them and it’s correct usage, including the deeming of perfectly functional, basic words to be unworthy of usage in morally upstanding society.

    Profanity has nothing to do with moral behaviour. Abuse and profanity are not the same. Swearing is the natural birthright of all creatures capable of language, and especially ours. These are simple, colourful* and descriptive words and are more than suitable for usage in everyday conversation and such literature as deserves them.

    It is not acceptable to use euphemisms to replace ancient and time-honoured anglo-saxon terms. As in: Freaking Bastard Little Kids! “Freaking” is as ludicrous a replacement for “fucking” as the word “blizzard” or “buzzard” or “bedstead” for “bastard”.

    A minimum custodial sentence of 3 months will be therefore imposed upon anyone replacing the word “FUCK” with the word “FREAK”.

  • Gay Marriage
  • All Gay people must marry. They can marry anybody they like, any time. But if they don’t marry, they will be forced to live a completely straight life, with all the grief and pain that entails.

  • Pro-Life / Pro-Choice
  • Gay men who become pregnant must be permitted to abort, otherwise the sacred heterosexual population balance pre-ordained in Ancient History by Lord Father Jesus God will be subsumed beneath a rampant pink tide of insidious poofterism. Gay women however can continue to do whatever they like, with whom ever they like, for as long as they like, since lesbianism is not recognised or legislated for under British Law.

  • Red / Blue
  • From today, The Former USA will adopt the universally recognised colour* scheme of the political LEFT and the political RIGHT. Remember: REDS are communists, socialists and “lefties” – BLUES are fascists, conservatives and “righties”. Subjects of Her Majesty’s American Protectorate will not be allowed to take part in any more politics until this basic error is amended.

    *NB: correct spellings of colour, labour, through

    By Order of Sir Humbold Pinstripe, Minister for American Affairs, 14th December, 2004. God Save the Queen.

    Please read the full text of the Revocation here:

    http://international-bicycle-thief.blogspot.com/2004/11/revocation-of-us-independence.html

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    This thing has 6 Comments

    1. Laurie
      Posted 14 December, 2004 at 4:46 am | Permalink

      I like the fucking idea of the fat bastards walking to get their fucking pizzas. It’s an honour reading your colourful blog.

      How’d I do?

      (Also, since I am politically a blue who resides in a red state, does that make me a purple?)

    2. pri
      Posted 14 December, 2004 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

      I didn’t read the full text until now and I find it hilarious, congrats.

      I would agree with the fast food point, although I would give the option of doing some calories burning exercise for some time.

      Ps: Red in a blue state? Maybe you can ask for a purple heart medal 😉
      All this red and blue thing reminds me to something that was written on the walls by socialists/communists in Spain during the dictatorship, it was something like:
      “Fuck you fascists because your blood is red and your heart is on your left side of the body” (It sounds better in Spanish, but you can get an idea of the meaning)

    3. thebloke
      Posted 15 December, 2004 at 2:50 am | Permalink

      This is freakin’ bleedin’ funny!

    4. Boolean Wombat
      Posted 15 December, 2004 at 4:37 pm | Permalink

      okay, we’ll go back to being british. now give us our free socialized healthcare. and DON’T tax our tea. that really pisses us off, which was the original reason for the “disagreement” we had in 1776. no one likes their breakfast beverages to be harrassed.

    5. girlfiend
      Posted 16 December, 2004 at 5:21 pm | Permalink

      Brilliant. I must link to this immediately.

    6. Jenny
      Posted 17 December, 2004 at 1:00 am | Permalink

      Greatness.

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