I Can’t Believe I’m Not Healthy

I have been sneezing for two days and my eyes are half-shut. My bones ache. I hardly ever get colds but that’s two in 3 months ! I blame the parents, who are visiting. I wish it was Summer, and we’ve hardly begun Winter. The cold mornings seem worse when you wake up in the dark at 6.30 am. I don’t want to live in this country, I want to live in a hot country.

Last year more than 200,000 Brits left Old Blighty and the number one reason given was: more sunlight. I can see how that works. I am going to follow suit as soon as I can, strolling to the beach for breakfast, drinking juice from fresh-picked citrus fruit, enjoying what remains of this precious earth while I am still walking around in my bit of it (this body). Otherwise I will have to live in a big coat which I never take off and which smells of damp, and cuddle old iron pipes for comfort, like the Russians do. My house will be made of old fridges and I will eat spinach all the time, turning my teeth green. My legs will turn completely white and the hairs on them will mat together in dreads.

I want white teeth, brown legs, and Bermuda shorts. I must go and live further South as soon as possible.

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