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Written on October 13, 2004, and categorized as Secret and Invisible.
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New research carried at the University of Birmingham shows that fat around the waist is much more dangerous than other kinds of body fat. Apparently this fat squirts out chemicals which damage the body’s ability to produce insulin, leading to diabetes, and also is 4 times more likely to cause heart disease.

I saw the scientist on the news. He was rather thin, bald, wearing a white shirt and thin dark tie. The problem with research like this is that it is in the typical way of science, narrow, and context blind. Red wine after all, that well known middle-class saviour of all that’s decent in society, was considered to have unique health benefits that beer didn’t, until they found the antioxidants in beer that make it good for you.

It’s probably the same with fat. We do not yet know the subtle ways of obesity.

We will probably find waist fat extends life by preventing shagging in certain positions, and since repeated pelvic thrusting increases pressure in ageing veins, it thereby prevents pulmonary embolism from developing.

Lip fat can save you lots of money on plastic surgery and avoid the “trout-pout” risks associated with BOTOX injections.

Having foot fat means you are actually more stable, as it lowers your centre of gravity and prevents you from being blown over. Hurricane deaths in Florida would have tripled but for the very fat feet of that state’s residents.

Also, it depends where the fat is not just PHYSICALLY but GEOGRAPHICALLY. Arse fat is very bad for Europeans, because it means, male or female, that your behind will be covered in small uncomfortable bruises caused by the pinching of it by Italian men, but if you are in the United States, now that obesity there is classed as an illness, it nullifies the risk of you being drafted and shot in Iraq, thereby increasing your life expectancy by many years.

But the worst kind of fat is fat between the ears which causes dull mental processes, lack of imagination, the maintenance of a very boring job, premature hairloss, the wearing of conservative attire, smugness, and a narrow-minded obsession with length of life at the expense of quality.

Now I’m off to the pool.

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One Comment

  1. Kate Ford
    Posted 18 November, 2004 at 10:26 am | Permalink

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    Trout-pout!! God that is a scream. I love it. I have a magazine with a woman that looks like one of those creatures from the Snake Pliskin movie Escape from LA. They ones that have had too many plastic surgeries? “Eeewww!” …..shiver….

    As for fat, I agree with the health stuff. I’m fat. I need to get into shape. I KNOW I can I just can’t seem to motivate myself. Dammit. Motivate me baby, motivate me. lol

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